“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” -Goethe
One of the most challenging parts of reaching our goals or making positive change is that we deny the very best qualities in ourselves, because we are uncomfortable with where it will take us. Where it will take us may at times be in conflict with societal, work, or family expectations. By honoring our self, and valuing who we truly are, we stop denying ourselves. We become more powerful, more integrated, and more alive.
Here are the three aspects of a happy life. In my experience, to achieve lasting fulfillment, you need to cultivate all three of these aspects.
1. Know yourself
Self awareness is the cornerstone to a meaningful life. Know what excites you, what repels you, and what leaves you indifferent. This knowledge is priceless, since it enables you to navigate to a path of fulfillment and growth. In my experience, people who lack self-awareness often wind up leading hollow lives, since they have no internal rudder by which to guide their choices. Without the internal guidance system, clients default into societal/parental/cultural value systems, which may or may not have any relation to their personal joy and fulfillment.
2. Accept yourself
Self acceptance means embracing the reality of who you are now. It doesn’t mean we have to like all aspects of ourself, but it means that we must let go and cease fighting who we are. Clients who reach this stage after a period of self-denial, often report feeling calmer and more relaxed. It means we are no longer expending energy repressing and rejecting who we are. As a consequence, we become more integrated and whole. We have more personal power and energy, since we are no longer sapping our own energy. Self acceptance is a precondition to self-growth. We cannot move beyond where we are now, before we accept the reality of who we are now.
Self acceptance applies equally to accepting desirable and undesirable aspects of ourself. Surprisingly, many clients have difficulty accepting their very best qualities. For example, a client of mine was a very beautiful, intelligent, and capable woman. She managed a large group of people at a bank. But sadly, she felt her powerful intelligence threatened her romantic partner. She denied herself to accommodate her partner, with tragic ramifications for her own flourishing. In therapy with me, she was able to own her own power, and fortunately her partner was very accepting of her new sense of self.
3. Assert yourself
Self assertion is the act of walking our sacred path in life. In self assertion, we take courageous action to achieve those goals and experiences which are aligned with who we are. It is the spreading of our wings and soaring to new heights. Self assertion cannot be achieved without the foundational preconditions of both self awareness and self acceptance. We can cannot assert ourself, if we do not know who we are, or what we want out of life. Life holds infinite possibilities for experience, and the impulse of self assertion must be guided with the wisdom garnered in through self awareness and acceptance. Moreover, I find in my practice that deep self awareness and complete self acceptance often release vast internal resources of energy. This boundless energy very naturally bubbles over into self assertion through action. Clients at this state are imbued with the energy and motivation to make changes in their life. They end a toxic
relationship. They being a new healthy relationship. They shift their work to a direction higher fulfillment and joy. Work then become not merely a means of survival, but an expression of who they are. These acts of self assertion are guided and energized by both self awareness and self acceptance.
